I’ve been absent from this blog now for just about a year and a lot of things have happened.
I gave up writing this blog as things were getting sorted out and it just became less and less of an issue to get things off my chest as I was started to enjoy life again.
It’s all changed yet again.
I got married last year which is the one positive thing to have happened in the last year. However there were some problems over whether X would allow my little girl to come to the wedding. How vindictive can some people be.
Calls to solicitors ensued, her solicitor and mine and it was finally agreed that my daughter could come to the wedding. Without her there, and I’m sure my wife knows this, it just wouldn’t have been a wedding for me. That is a sad and perhaps bad thing to say, but it is true.
The opportunity arose and I moved the 300 miles to be near my daughter, something my wife and I had been talking about for almost two years. It was no where near as scary or difficult as we thought! I moved in the May and moved my business here too. There isn’t much work here or opportunities to make money in my business so my wife stayed in her current job and we were apart for just over three months. Just married and then apart. Enough to test any marriage.
The one things to come out of the solicitors contact was their suggestion of family mediation. As I was nearing the start of going down the road of a contact order, X suggested we stop using the solicitors and sort it out ourselves. Naively, and without any reference to what had happened in the past, I stupidly agreed.
I did suggest we go to mediation but I never got a real reply. But hey, things were going well there was no need for others to get involved. We could sort this ourselves …
So we stopped using the solicitors and my daughter started staying over on a regular basis -during the week, at weekends. Life was fantastic. I was involved in my daughters life again and we were strengthening that bond between us. After all, whos’ girl is not a Daddy’s Girl!
X was pregnant and had complications so during October/November she was in hospital for two months. And my little girl stayed with me and my wife. I couldn’t have asked for more. Whenever her mum called she wouldn’t speak to her but I made sure she always said something as I knew what it was like being away from her. We took her to see her mum (200 mile trip) a few times and so did her gran. It’s important for her to know that people haven’t left her – they’re only just away for a little while and they will be back.
Her mum came back out of hospital for a few weeks and my little girl went to stay with her. She only stayed over with us one or two nights during that time, but she hadn’t seen her mum in quite a while so it was important for them to spend time together. I walked her to school as usual and walked her home.
At the start of December, X went back into hospital and my little girl stayed with me and my wife for another two weeks. Things were good!
Then things changed.
X came out of hospital. My little girl went back with her and I didn’t see her again until just before Xmas. Part of the problem was Xmas itself.
In 2004 I got an agreement from X that my little girl would stay with one of us on Xmas day (but see the other for about an hour on Xmas day to exchange presents) and see the other on boxing day. She’d then spend New Year’s Eve, New Years Day and her birthday with the other. Then next year we’d swap. That seemed like a good compromise. In 2004, she stayed with me and my (now) wife. In 2005 she stayed with her mum and in 2006 she was due to spend it with me and my wife again. (Using the one or Other description above doesn’t make us sound like parents but it was the easiest way to describe things!)
In 2004 X came around on Xmas day and in 2005 we went around there. It was casual. We had a special Xmas day breakfast at each others and it really did work. We came together for my little girl and it really did work.
However as I said in 2006, things changed. X wanted my little girl to stay with her and see me and my wife only on boxing day. The reason she gave for that was that my little girl now had a little brother and that was a good reason. However for no reason known to me she hadn’t been allowed to stay over since her mum was in hospital in the middle of December. No explanation was given for that. Now, the agreement we had for two years was going to be (like every other agreement made) broken. I also thought that her brother, who was two weeks old, wouldn’t remember anything about his first Xmas and it would probably be better next year (as they can then start to play and open presents together). Yes, I was being a little selfish and yes I was clinging to the one unbroken agreement we had left. It’s human nature I suppose but I genuinely did think that my little girl would have a much better time next Xmas with her brother than this.
My wife went to speak to X and did eventually get an agreement that the Xmas rule would stand. My little girl went to her grans for Xmas lunch on Boxing Day and her mum saw her on Xmas day to exchange presents. There was no special breakfast this year, nor did we spend the morning together. We did, however, give each other present which I still feel awkward about.
Another agreement my wife and X made was that my little girl would start to spend two days with me, three days with X during the week and every second weekend one of us would see my little girl.
This was just more than I could have imagined. My little girl would finally have some stability and know where she was each night of the week. We’d be able to enjoy dancing class and Rainbows with her.
On the 11th of January I picked her up from school and we went to Rainbows. She then went to dancing class later on and then came back to her home, here. You’ve no idea, unless you are in this same situation, what this actually means. Your heart just fills with joy and happiness and laughter. You get to really feel that deep bond again that has been missing while you don’t see her.
On the 12th of January I took her to school and collected her.
On the 13th of January we did what dads and their daughters do at the weekend. We played ‘princesses’.
On the 14th I got a call from X. She was collecting my little girl at dinner time to take her out. No ’sorry, I know it’s your time with her but can I take her to dinner’. No. ‘I’mn taking her to dinner’ and that was that.
Now the agreement was for me to take my little girl back top school in the morning and then she’d go to her mum’s after school until the Thursday when I’d collect her after school and off we go again.
I wasn’t best happy as you can probably understand. The agreement had been in place four days, (well three days) and it was broken already. No explanation was given to me other than ‘it’s not working for me’. What isn’t? There was no time given for anything ‘to work’!
My little girl already shows some emotional problems. They cause me a great deal of concern.
For a start her mum can’t cope with her. She’s made that clear to me and the school. My daughter is violent towards her mum and her mum is violent towards her. She’s been seen hitting her and screaming at her in public numerous times.
But it doesn’t stop there. The violence continues into the house. In one of our ‘late night’ chats, my little girl (she likes to have me sit on her bed and talk to her about ‘real’ things (for a six year old she is frighteningly switched on) asked me why mummy and I split up. When I told her that mummy used to hit me a lot and daddy used to have to defend himself, she said to me ’she does that to Y now’. Y is her new partner. It was so matter of fact it was scary.
Prior to this conversation my little girl was having background reports done by social services as she called the Police one time when her mum was throwing plates at her partner. She was so scared she called the Police. The Police told her that she was right to call them.
She did of course wear that as a badge of honour and tell everybody (including the lolly pop lady) about it. Nobody of course bothered to tell me that my little girl had been so scared the night before that she called the Police. I had to do all of that calling around.
After three weeks of waiting for Social Services to bother to call me back, I spoke to the manager who gave me the information I was looking for. I had to contact somebody else on the Childrens Panel. I did contact him and sent them letter outlining my concerns. That was at the end of February. I’m still waiting for confirmation that they actually received it. And I thought they were looking out for the best interests of the child. When Social Services, the Childrens Panel and her own mother don’t care enough to let the other parent know what am I supposed to think is going on!?!
I did get an agreement from X about having my little girl every second weekend. It was a start. That was on the Sunday. When I asked her if I could see her the next weekend she told me that my weekend actually started on the previous Saturday – the day before the agreement was made. Back to the games then.
The next fortnight after that I did see my little girl. She asked her mum if she could stay with me and she did on the Friday night. On the Saturday her mum wanted to take her out but never bothered to bring her back again. So I had her one day, not the two that agreed.
The next weekend I texted to say I’d pick my little girl up at 10am on the Saturday morning. Got there. Nobody answered the door. Eventually oe of them go up – my little girl was off at her grans.
It’s just any excuse to stop her seeing me.
I spoke to the Family Mediation Service yesterday and they will write to X to find out if she is willing to go to mediation. I don’t think she will. If not, the next step needs to be court. There needs to be an agreement in writing for us both to follow so we now where we stand, and most importantly my little girl knows where she stands. She needs stability not a mother who plays games.
So here we are. It’s the 16th of March 2007. Since the 14th of January my little girl has stayed with my wife and I on four occasions. I see her for 10 minutes every day while I walk her the 500 yards to and from school.
A new slant to the saga has come about today.
Waking my little girl to school this morning she told me she was sad that I wouldn’t be able to walk her to school any more. When I asked her why that was she told me they were moving to another city, over 100 miles away. I couldn’t believe this. My heart at that moment, just cracked. I had strengthened that bond up between myself and my little girl again and now she’s going away and it’s going to be stretched and broken. She needs her dad. She needs her mum. But most of all she needs BOTH of us. She needs a stable environment. She needs her school friends. She needs love. If she moves I fear for all of these.
Today I contacted the court to try and get an order raised to stop X from moving away. However the clerk’s office had never heard of anybody going to court themselves. They did call me about an hour later and explain that they could only advise me to go to a solicitor or go to the CAB and get legal advice. They were polite and helpful, but they didn’t have what I needed.
I contacted the CAB tonight and left a message for them and will wait to hear from them and update here when I do. I have also sent a Recorded Delivery letter to X today to find out if she is in fact moving. I’ll update if I receive a reply.
